When we're young, many of us take feeling sexy — and our sex drives — for granted. But in midlife, the picture can become more complicated. Some people who had higher sex drives in the past notice them dipping due to perimenopause's hormonal shifts; other midlife changes, like vaginal dryness and pain, fatigue, or even just daily stress can impact our desire or feelings of sexiness.
Even if sex wasn’t a big deal for you before, feeling sexually confident and in touch with your body (pun intended) are healthy things that are good for overall quality of life — and feeling like you've lost touch with your sexual self can be stressful, sad, or confusing.
Luckily, there are many things you can do to start feeling more like yourself again in the bedroom. And it begins with understanding hormones, and what they do (and don't) influence.
Sex Drive Vs. Sexual Desire
Libido is an up-and-down thing, particularly during perimenopause, which commonly begins in your 40s, says Monica Grover, DO, an OB-GYN and chief medical officer at VSPOT in New York City. “Sex drive fluctuates throughout a woman’s life as hormone levels naturally shift, and menopause is when there’s a decline of estrogen and testosterone that directly impacts the sex drive. Sexual desire, however, is affected by everything from hormone changes to stress levels and your own attitudes about sex. It can increase or decrease based on all of these factors, no matter your age.”
If you haven’t felt in the mood lately (or for a while), there are reasons to be interested in reconnecting to your desire. “Sexual health has a positive impact on so many aspects of your overall physical health, and on your relationships,” says Grover. The potential benefits of sex (whether it’s with yourself or with a partner) include lowering stress levels and blood pressure, boosting mood, and improving sleep. It also contributes to self-confidence — and, of course, your sexual confidence.
Sex Doesn’t Have to Mean Intercourse
“When it comes to libido, there is no normal,” says relationship expert Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sexologist and host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast. “The term ‘sex drive’ is a misnomer, because the desire for sex isn’t like thirst or hunger or the need for sleep. You won’t perish without sex.” This is why, for a lot of us, sexual desire can take a back seat amid the demands and stresses of midlife.
If you’d like to reconnect with your sexuality, but your sex drive has been nonexistent lately, you don’t need to fear that it’s gone forever. Just like that one wonky patch in your garden, all it needs is a little TLC. “Sexual desire or drive may not arise on its own; it often needs to be cultivated,” says O'Reilly. This means giving yourself the space and freedom to decide what sex and sexuality mean to you right now, as well as creating a low-pressure place to explore your feelings.
Let’s start by taking the pressure to be sexy — not to mention the pressure to have sex — down a notch. “It might be easier to feel sexy if it’s not contingent on having sex,” O’Reilly says. “Broaden the definition of sex as anything that is erotically pleasurable, not just intercourse or acts that lead to orgasm but also fantasy, erotic touch, sensual connection, and flirtation.” This can be alone or with a partner, and doesn’t have to be limited to whatever you found sexy in the past. There are a number of sites and apps aimed at women that feature written and audio erotica — checking one of them out, as well as exploring anything else that appeals to you (like sexy movies or photography, and sex toys and accessories) may help you start to understand what makes you feel desire now.
Find Your Sexual Confidence: What Makes You Feel Sexy?
“It’s important to realize that most of us need to put ourselves in the mood. It doesn’t happen naturally or spontaneously,” O’Reilly says. There is no magic pill for better sex, but the mental and emotional components are key. “Start with your core erotic feeling, or CEF, which is the feeling that absolutely must be there to put you in the mood. It’s your personal prerequisite. Without it, it’s sex, or arousal is not going to happen. Do you need to feel adored, calm, joyful, playful, safe, challenged, desired, powerful? Once you identify your personal CEF, then you can lay the groundwork that allows you to feel that way.”
For example, if you have to feel relaxed to get in the mood (with a partner or solo) then that is your CEF, and creating a sense of calm is your starting point to tapping into your erotic feelings. You might begin by asking yourself, what makes you feel relaxed? What activities detract from relaxation, and how can you push those aside for a while?
How to Feel Sexy: Know Your Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs
“Make a ‘fire and ice’ list of all the things that light your fire and cool your jets,” O’Reilly says. Maybe your fire list includes things like dim lighting, the right music, and a warm bath. Your ice column could be work stress, family stress or a messy house. (Don’t these three go together?) “What changes can you make to light more fire or melt the ice? If you have a partner, encourage them to create their own list so you can support each other’s needs and priorities.”
3 Ways to Turn Up the Heat
- Fantasize. Allow your mind to wander and see where it leads. “Think of yourself in different roles, scenarios, and with different partners,” O’Reilly suggests. “Sometimes it helps to read literary erotica and insert yourself into stories in whatever capacity strikes your fancy.”
- You do you, literally. “Even if you’re not in the mood, sometimes you have to get physically aroused before the mental arousal follows,” O’Reilly says. “Mindful masturbation can help you learn more about your body and the way it responds to stimulation. It can help you let go of sexual shame or embarrassment, and it can increase your desire for sex thanks to the release of dopamine and endorphins.” Consider self-pleasure to be the ultimate self-care.
- Lube up. “Vaginal dryness is a common symptom of perimenopause, due to the natural decline of estrogen,” Grover says. “Lubrication is vital to preventing irritation and even pain during sex.” Or, as O’Reilly puts it, “lube is your best friend.” The slippery stuff makes midlife sex (whether it’s with a partner or solo) much more friction-free and pleasurable.
The bottom line: While it may not initially seem very hot to plan ahead to get in the mood, it can sure be empowering — and that is sexy indeed.
Gina Way is a writer and editor specializing in beauty, health, and lifestyle content. Her work has been featured in Marie Claire, Harper’s Bazaar, Martha Stewart Living, Real Simple, Cosmopolitan, and Shape. She also writes digital content for Allure, The Cut, Refinery29, Vogue, Oprah Daily, Violet Grey, Well+Good, and more.
